DEAR ABBY: Good neighbour learns inclusivity has limits

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in a friendly neighborhood. Every month, I have the neighbors over for dinner and a movie. I like to be inclusive — bring the kids, bring the dogs! One couple recently had their elderly mom move in, and I installed a ramp so she could join us. Babies cry, dogs bark, women breastfeed, but all are welcome. I put sleeping bags on the floor for the kids to sit on while grownups sit on the couches. Cleanup is a bear, but every squished meatball on the floor reminds me how much I love everyone.

Recently, a new couple moved in, so of course I invited them and their 6-year-old to join us. They warned me that he has severe autism, but I told them everyone is welcome, that he wouldn't be expected to be quiet and that the house is thoroughly kid-proofed. When the family showed up to join us, their child was horrible, even by my nonexistent standards for kiddo behaviour. He screamed, threw food, bit, spit and hit the other kids and the dogs for an hour. Finally, everyone started to leave before the movie was over. The boy's parents really did try their best, and I was genuinely sympathetic.

They apologized the next day and said that if they were welcome in the future, they would alternate one parent staying home with their son while the other joined us. That sounds reasonable, but I don't like it. I can't be inclusive just when it suits me. They have since invited me to their home for dinner, and their son was just as bad there, banishing my thoughts that maybe it was just a strange house he was reacting to. I don't know what to do with all this. I'm looking for a magic wand. Any suggestions? — NEIGHBOURLY IN THE EAST

DEAR NEIGHBOURLY: You are a caring, lovely person, but there is no magic wand that will make that child's severe autism and behaviour problems go away. Because you are determined to entertain the entire family, the practical solution would be to invite them and their son over on another evening when other children and pets won't be at risk of injury. Your movie night will be history if it is disrupted like that again. While I commend you for wanting to befriend the family, I think the parents had the right solution.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 70 now, and many of my friends and family spend our time together complaining about their various ailments. I, too, have had some problems but do not make them a part of our visits unless I'm asked about them. How can I rethink how to make these times more positive for everyone involved? — POSITIVE IN OREGON

DEAR POSITIVE: Sometimes, people of a certain age talk about their health problems because they have become less active and can find little else to talk about. To keep the energy flowing in a more positive direction, help your friends find hobbies and other interests to discuss. Even if they have medical issues, most people can manage quiet activities like board games, card games, a book club or a knitting circle. If all else fails, you can always ask them about their families as a change of subject.